Fifteen Forever

My birthday's coming up, and it's traditionally an important one-- my sweet sixteenth. As usual, I am FREAKING OUT. I do that before every birthday-- I think it's the paranoia of growing older. I mean, when I was twelve, I thought, Crap, I'm turning 13--that's really old. When I was 13, I thought, 14's such a big-looking age. When I was 14 ...well, you get the point.

I can't really explain why, but somehow 16 looks the biggest of all. It's probably all that crap about 16 being the day you truly become a woman (just shoot me, I don't want to be 16!!!) and also because of all the sweet-sixteen parties I've been going to all this year-- it seemed like everyone was so old. I mean, the whole tenor of the parties, and what we did and wore and ate at parties...just changed. Nah, hold on a sec-- no one ever eats at parties anymore. I'm starving to death and no one seems to show any interest in heading for dinner even though it's like, what, ten thirty? All I can do is groan and finally call my mom and tell her I want to come home and eat something. =/

Oops, seems like I got bit diverted when it came to the food part. =P Like I was saying, all these sweet sixteens I've been to-- they're HUGE parties and there's a lot of dancing involved; the only form of entertainment seems to be Spin the Bottle or the dance floor. I'm not really complaining about that part; I hardly care.

But all of a sudden, I'm turning sixteen!! I have to host a party! Well, technically, I don't really need to, but my parents are all like, let's throw a huge party like your friends did!... Gah.

I don't even mind that part as much. Hosting a party is so much easier than being at one-- at least for me. And since my parents seem to be super-enthusiastic about me having a sweet sixteenth (this birthday apparently being so special), I really don't mind as much as I do about actually turning sixteen.

The point is-- I don't want to turn sixteen. I want to stay here, live here, breathe here forever-- I'm living my life to the fullest right now. I'm happy, sad, delighted, angry, and every emotion there is; I'm working harder than ever and laughing harder than ever. I'm settling into a lovely routine and enjoying every minute of it-- there seems to be so much of life in everything right now. I'm laughing and laughing and laughing; I'm sad, the deep sadness that cuts with its jagged edges. I'm trying and trying in everything I do; I'm learning more about myself every hour; I'm growing into a better person everyday. My life at school seems to be a lovely nine-point star-- Nikki, Ank, Jasmine, Piks, Sin, Shruti, Kru, Kavya, and Kaiser--made of all the people with whom I interact with on a daily basis. Right now everything is far from easy, and actually kinda sucky with all the academics that drives me nuts, but I want to stay here and live these moments forever. I don't want this to slip away through my fingers like sand, and become the past I will forever look back at. I want to be this person, this half-girl, half-woman; the same shy-trying-not-be-shy girl experimenting with reality; and stare out of my little bubble-world while trying to push its boundaries. I want to stay here and learn to trust again; to love and to laugh, and to watch everyone and everything grow, including my brother, my dog, the lovely greenery of Stone Valley, the city... I want to stop time and stand here for eternity, instead of watching fading memories dance in front of my eyes later. I don't want this celebration to end; this festival of mad life; because it finally feels like I'm balancing it right. I want to be fifteen forever.

If time were to flow my friends will be wrenched away from me all over again; my already diminished trust will have to rebuild itself at wherever I head to next. These precious moments of PETs, ranks, and scores; lunch breaks and laughter; Bleach and my iTouch; those few phone calls to Aditi, who is thankfully still there for me; those numerous phone calls to Ank, who is thankfully as random/silly/sarcastic/laugh-y/diverse as me; of Nikki who often reminds me of my mom; of yelling and hooting in class, drawing caricatures of teachers, and imitating them-- will all be the past. And I'm one of those unfortunate people who can't really live in the present fully. But I shall always try, and keep trying, to maintain the calm acceptance that has helped me for so long, accept the passing of the days and look back at them when they are tinged with sweet somethings.

Maybe its not about turning sixteen after all. It looks like it's only the reluctance to let go, once again, and turn to the future, that devastatingly black void with a lonely, narrow path; it looks like I'm going to have to walk alone from here. No, who am I kidding?-- I've been walking alone for so long; once in a while a meet a few people on the way, but our paths cut across each other and we must part; and I am lonely again. It is probably at this place I stand, but I must look to the future I can't see. Because my feet are dragging me there- even though I 'd prefer to stay riveted on this very spot forever.

Ah well. Nothing much I can do about it but lament about it over here.

But, again, even though I realize '16' isn't the number that's causing my anxiety..... I don't want to be sixteeeeeeeeenn!!!!!!!!!!! =S

Wow, though. 16 means that I'll be a major in 2 years 0.0 A driving licence! I can vote! I can sue XDXD But crap it's scary to be 'an adult who can be held responsible for his/her actions'. No more ducking behind Mommy's skirts and juvenile laws =P

Huh. Another terrible thing about 16? This is The Official End of my growth. Well, almost. But it still means I ain't growing any taller!! XSXS Lovely. I guess I'm stuck at 5'5" after all. Oh well-- I'm still taller than my mom XD

Last link in the chain: HA! I just realized that I can finally get that freaking credit card to my account when I'm eighteen =P
But I guess that isn't really a motivation to make me want to age faster. >n<
And finally.. I actually feel you reach womanhood at 15, not 16 XD I really don't know why; it just feels that way.