Gossipy old men

As I'm reminded of everyday from 2 o'clock to 3, the one species of humans never to be approached- no matter how dire the circumstances - is the gossiping old men.

The topic of rambling old ladies and village gossips has long been exhausted, and I'm actually quite surprised that no one has noticed how much jobless old men gossip, despite holding a (actually, boring) job . The only literary mention I've come across of this despicable and highly irritating phenomenon is in this Hindi-translated-to English short story called The Letter, but that's described as, well, this : "....All working-class people have the habit of taking periodic rests by joining into general discussion....." An understatement extraordinaire.

So these bunch of idiots I'm talking about, they have absolutely no work to do,- no wait, they actually do. They're part of the administrative part of the school, and though that looks impressive, these 3 old men are only supposed to lend books to students (but they always refuse, being too lazy to lift that old ass off the chair, and shoo away the most persistent of students by, well, their persistence). Oh, and occasionally they collect forms from bored students who feel sudden urges to write Olympiads because they live in an illusion that their school has been giving them education that is enough for the oh-so-high standards of these tests.

Anyways, there are 3 main characters in this story. I'll be telling you about Episode 100-something, around the 28th of August, 2009.

Well, firstly, the most prominent character is Sonia/Gemini. A large man with an annoying presumptuous tone, he's Sonia Gandhi's personal secretary.If he says a rumor about her is not true, it definitely isn't. Also, after winning the Nobel Prize for One-Way Communication Skills, he obviously knows everything about everything. His mobile's ring tone is an odious sound that had me jumping in shock the first few weeks, and made me think that something as glorious and untainted as a television existed in this plaster-of-paris prison with a bright yellow board on it that says 'FIITJEE JUNIOR COLLEGE', the reason being his ring tone, which is the music played on this Telugu news channel, Gemini News, between headlines and after the show.I prefer to call him Sonia, but after introducing him as Gemini to some of my friends (who are his drooling fans), I had to call him Sonia/Gemini. Well, whatever. He's Sonia for this post.

Next is the guy who shares the (dingiest, old, rickety) cabin with him. This guy is the quietest of the three, and even though he's dumb, he's smarter and more aware than the others. He even knows a few true things...therefore, i proclaim him-'Genius'.

Ah, then there's the Visitor, who drops in more often than necessary for a cup of tea. He was the Visitor when I first began visiting their (far from heavenly) abode, but now I call him the Perv. Short for Pervert.(Now don't start telling me we can't call our idols sweet little names!) So this guy is the one with the sensational, scandalous news. He always has the scoop as big as his head(which, i think, is bald and shiny).

It's a jolly old gang- the Perv, Sonia and Genius. And wait, I forgot to mention-- Sonia, being the unappreciated genius with the lowest pay, has no option but to use (read:exploit) his proximity to the phone for all possible personal uses. A call to the nephew (who's very smart but never listens to his uncle, which I find very smart) requires the FIITJEE phone, and nothing else will do. Stock market dealings? FIITJEE phone. Telling m'darling 'I'll be home soon' isn't complete without the same yellowed phone that has the misfortune to be on his table.Oh,and Perv invests heavily in the stock market too. The Sensex is his best bet. If there's anyone who wants to 'buy' the Sensex, it's him. The Sensex, after all, is a great stock of an illustrious old company whose money is always growing. *snort*

So when I started staying back at school from 2 to 4, no other fool thought of doing the same, because 'the phase tests just got over, who wants to study?' (They have a brilliant point.) As a result I could bag one of the two little cabins adjacent to the Gossip Gang's HQ, almost everyday. This was the beginning of the Gossip Gang series, which I'm addicted to (yeah right) and I tune into it everyday from 2 to 3 on the Joblessness channel (Floor 2, First right) ^^ Well, the truth is, I've been able to tune them out of my head thanks to Fiitjee's amazing (read: panic-causing, frightening) workbooks. But once in a while, when I'm taking a little mental break, I listen- okay, eavesdrop- on the GG's conversations for a few laughs. I mean, come on. A once in a lifetime opportunity to listen to The Enlightenment Trio's, well, uh, enlightening conversations and you want me to chicken out because of moral values? Nuh-uh. No way, Jose.

So on the fateful day of 28th August, I was torn between the External Library and the cabin. Ice-cold Library or hot cabin (which by the way doesn't have air conditioning, but isn't that a small price to pay for listening to the GG?)....? I chose the cabin. I'm more sensitive to cold than to heat.

After the usual setting my bag down, going down to meet my friends, walking Nut to the van, walking back to the now deserted stairs (thanks to the dutiful watchman and his deafening pet whistle), and coming back to the cabin (where a bunch of nerds watch me enviously as I walk into my claimed area, the most peaceful cabin), I set to work by pulling out my folder and extracting my pile-- no, stack-- of unfinished worksheets. Thanks to a particularly jobless gay teacher and the math teacher, this stack always remains a stack no matter how many worksheets I finish a day. When I'm done with a worksheet, I lean backwards and let the music of the GG fill my ears (and unfortunately, the empty space in between).

Today, Perv had dropped in and was pretty excited. Did I mention that the GG talk in their secret code language? It's called Pompous Telugu.

Another important part of almost every dialogue is the Aaaah. A cross between 'ah' and 'aaaaaaaa' with a nasal twist. (Well, no wonder the nasal sounds are so in vogue with our teachers...)

Today Perv had the scoop on this college in Hyderabad, where apparently, 80% of the girls were prostitutes. (puh-leese.) (Oh, and anything italicised and in brackets is my addition to the conversation).Well, I better start from the very beginning......

Sonia: Aaaah, Perv. How's your wife? (LOL you should know)

Perv: Ah, she's fine ...the doctor blahblahblah... (doctor, huh? I see...Well, after all she's Perv's wife, of course she'd feel sick)

At this moment, a girl who stays back everyday, and also wears a shoulder-length burqa walks past. After a short silence:

Sonia (hesitantly): These girls shouldn't wear that...uh...that..(fumbling for words--his vocab obviously doesn't cover 'burqa')

Genius: The burqa?

Perv (eager to jump in): Aaah, that is..not very good...we should not...girls... should not...(Oh shut the crap already.You have no idea what you're talking about and you're also being very nonsecular--just like FIITJEE.)

Sonia: They should not wear...not safe...(narrow-minded idiot!) ...If they're walking on the road....anyone... (wow.never knew walking on the road was fraught with such peril.)

Genius: It's their religion. Their wish, what they want to wear (now this was in English. You can see why they usually use Telugu.)

Sonia: But nowadays bringing up girls is very difficult. Sending her outside the house, studies and all it seems.. (*FUMING* you beeeeeeeeep! what century do you belong to anyways??)

Perv: Aaah, and they get very spoiled. They-

Sonia: Now every family has to have both parents working. (obviously, everyone just loved the new random turn in the conversation. Jeez, he's more random than me and Anushka put together...)

Sonia: So every girl has to go to school now na?aah.. (forgive me for my miserable translation skills. In telugu, its 'inka ippudu ammayilu andaru school ku povali mari..aah.' shit, even that was wrong telugu. i think.me and my sucky language skills =/)

Perv: Aaah, now that's what..These girls are a big problem (Aah, inka adhe mari..ee ammayilu tho pedha savu) (wth??? excuse me?? beeeeeeeep!)

Genius: Well, you just said they have to go to work now because it's impossible to manage with a single income now...so they have to study. And now everyone wants an educated girl--

Sonia: Aaah, that's what (okay, now i just dont seem to be able to find a better translation for 'adhe mari'.dang.) My nephew also won't listen to me. Arre, some nice girl, with a decent family and all, is accepting him, and on top of that they're giving a good dowry (LOL i even know the all the specifics of his nephew's marriage, thanks to him shouting it out to the whole world on a phone call recently--details later =P) and that mental fellow doesn't want to marry her. Hmph. B.A or B.Com at least it seems. At least she said yes, no? (*Snort*.These people are more 'gavaar' than GK is.)

Perv: This generation *tch tch* ...

Sonia: It's very hard looking after a girl now. At college they'll get into all types of nonsense...and if we tell them they won't listen.

Perv: Aaah. I know...you know there is this college in Hyderabad it seems ....

Sonia:<leans in excitedly> Aah??

Perv: It seems, there are only 20 girls who want to seriously study. And they stay in the hostel and study. But 80% of the girls, they are prostitutes! (..............okay.how does he know anyways?)

Sonia and Genius: Aaaah?!?

Perv: Aaah, and they do all kinds of stuff.. (LOL well what did you expect?that they'd sit and brush their Barbie's hair?) and apparently, right opposite the girls' hostel is the boys' hostel, and their balconies face each other, so these girls come to the balcony... (jeeeeeeez. you have one hell of an imagination. i'd bet my new box of ferrero rochers that you're making a lot of this up. 80 percent??)

Sonia: *tch tch*

(By now i'm snorting with laughter in my cabin.These guys sound like old ladies--they just need rocking chairs and knitting bags.)

Perv: But yes, there are girls who want to study and all. They're very good and all, but what I mean is anyone can get spoiled very easily. (*stunned* ...that's the first sign of sense you've shown.I would have come and beaten the hell outta you if you hadn't said that. And ps:I have bony knuckles.)

Sonia: Well, that's this generation...

Perv: And there's this place, apparently, where there are women masseurs....

Sonia<who can't take in so many shocks at the same time, and thus has completely shut up>: What?

Perv: Ahh, and they massage men....and then they...

Genius: That's very shameful. *tch tch*

Perv: (muttering away- i could only pick out the phrase 'naked massage' -_-)

(awkward silence)

(still quiet)

(shit, they're still silent!)

(omg this has has to be the longest time they've stayed quiet!)

(maybe I should get back to the Chemical Bonding CLIP...)

(heck, they're still not saying anything!)

(Oh, they've started again. That was eerie...)

(Phone rings)

Sonia: Aaah! , come upstairs! i'm here only! Aaaah....okay.

Perv: Well, I think I'll go now.... (sets down teacup with a 'clink')

Genius: It's okay, stay for some more time... what do you think, what will happen to *random politician*?

Sonia: Aaaah! (forgetting all previous commitments, he jumps into some boring conversation with his pro-Congress ideas and foams at the mouth when he's done)

I expect you've got the gist of the conversation even though I keep interrupting in italics.

And ohhh, wanna hear about Sonia's nephew's new marriage proposal? Well, recently Sonia stealthily called up his nephew and began screaming:

"Aaah ! How are you? <comes to point immediately> nothing really, it's just about that girl....Aaah, she looks fine...studied also <conpicuously missing is the girl's qualifications> ..they're giving a dowry too...40 lakhs! ...what? 40 lakhs, i say! Aaah....that's right.. ...Now, you tell your father clearly...strongly..first of all he's so reluctant to spend money... Arre, you tell him! Aaah...ok then.. aaah.What?"

Well, the rest of the conversation was about boring arrangements and stuff, so i turned back to the Advanced Level Solid State problems.

Sometimes, these guys make want to punch the wall that separates our cabins, and sometimes they drive me up the wall with the things the say. But most of the times its LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL how stupid can you get?

And when they start about politics, which i usually enjoy, I'm like oh gosh...sheesh...puh-leese... I mean they babble on forever about things that don't exist, and rumors, and they have completely wrong notions of some stuff in politics....they're an insult to democracy, they're soooo casteist/regionalist and very,very stupid. I wish they were stripped of their voting rights-- India can't bear the brunt of stupid voters like these!

Ha ha recently they made a list of the most important 5 ministers, in the central and state government, and conspicuously missing from the list was the Prime Minister. XP LOL

AND they think Purandeshwari (is that her spelling?) is a serious contender for the CM post in Andhra Pradesh, now that Rajashekhar Reddy died in a helicopter crash.How very delusional o.O

Oh, and they love cricket too. On the first day of the India-Sri Lanka-New Zealand Triseries, they were hella excited (The match is starting at 2:30! I'm getting sms updates!!) and Ibrahim, the 3rd floor incharge joined them for some time, left, only to be replaced by the French teacher, who left (he can't stand for 15 minutes without a drink, you know! How could he able to be? =P) and finally GK, the english teacher strutted in like he was the King of England, only to be intimidated by the men of rather large proportions that were in the room, and he scurried out soon.(well, I thought I saw him flying out and landing on his butt on the hard stone floor, but that must have been my imagination--surely they didn't kick him that hard?) =P

Here's to the GG, which makes every afternoon a laughter riot. =)

Last link in the chain: I've never seen the GG's faces.

I mean, I probably have seen them outside, but I only recognize their voices. Can't tell which voice belongs to which face when they're not in the GG HQ.=P