Strength and sighs

Sometimes it feels like nothingness. If that's even possible. My spirit feels empty. Hollow. (no pun intended, bleach fans =P). But seriously. I don't like feeling empty. I don't like what I've been feeling this year. When I was in tenth grade, I told myself, after going through a hell of a shuffling, that I'd have to get through this year somehow. I told myself it was just this one year, and that I've done it before, I've lived in absolute loneliness, and I could get through it again. I knew, from previous observations and experiments on myself, that my current breaking point after complete isolation and hard, hard work, was 5 months. I managed to drag it to 6 months, till after the first pre-board, and then I collapsed. Which turned out to be fine, because after that point I didnt need to study much anymore, it was just simple revision. But I won't lie, those few months were hard. I would just sit there and stare at the blackboard till the next teacher came. Each one of my friends was in a different section. I didn't find a single girl in my section who was passable friend material and put up with their crap the whole year. I was lonely and was picked on often by those good-for-nothing idiots, and I didn't say anything back to them. You're probably asking why. The thing is, I hate hate hate hate hate losing my temper. I rarely do, and when I do lose it, I just strike once and simmer down. (Which is why I often compare it to a dormant snake XD). I don't like losing control, because I would probably end up hurting someone's feelings, or put my foot in my mouth, or end up creating a troublesome situation I would love to avoid (I'm not kidding about the girls-- cat fight was the name of the game).

So I did it. I went through absolute hell without a word. I made flimsy reasons, silly conclusions, just to keep myself going after I exhausted my initial store of reasons. I'm more of a self-motivator. While this may be a good thing, it also means that when you're demotivated, anything anyone else says doesn't really make a difference. I need to find reasons for myself.

But it was worth every second of it when I got my results. And that's how my life used to be. My emotions were normal, not extreme; I worked hard and enjoyed it.

And that's exactly how life did NOT go this year.

Firstly, every thing was thrown out of balance. When I was done being overwhelmed, I was thrown into some crappy class-- alone. I don't think I let many people see how much of a pain it was. Because was it was miserable. It wasn't fair. I had gone through an entire year-- tenth grade-- telling myself that I had to put up with it for a little while longer. The damn loneliness, I mean. I can study like a (insert simile here) if I need to, but this whole replay of first grade, in not just one, but two years in a row was just annoying me. So I did exactly what I did in tenth grade again. I jumped into the books and tried to forget. I tried motivating myself again.

This is the problem: it just wasn't working.

This is also why I worked hardest in the second phase this year. I also practically lived for the breaks-- until they shifted our class a floor away. That was cold, wet, tragedy to me.

The worst part of it all? This is NOT me. Nicky Eira does not die of loneliness. Nicky Eira does NOT have random mood swings from euphoria to absolute I'm-in-shambles. She is a pillar and she has to be one for Shagun, for Jasmine, for Aditi, exactly in that order. She always keeps her emotions in check so that her dreams don't run away with them. She has 'organized' and 'mature' written on every single one of her damn report cards.

And she isn't me anymore.

Let's just face it. I don't think I'm a very strong person. But I always have to be one. I want to be one. I gotta admit my weaknesses, right?

This is where another problem starts. I hate to be boasting, but I am a pillar in my family. My brother depends on me, and as an younger sibling, I think that it is reasonable for him to lean on me often. I have to set an example for him, don't I? And I need to learn as much as possible about the world; I need to tell him everything about it. And not just him. Every single kid in my San Diego club looks up to me because I'm the oldest. Every mom asks me about education-related stuff and other 'older' things. Every dad looks at me like I'm some darn goddess. And being the kind of person who squirms in the limelight, I'm not particularly happy with their sky-high expectations of me.

I need to be there for my mom. I grew up thinking my mom was the bravest woman I knew. As it turned out, she was only brave for me. Otherwise, she is quite terrified of a lot of things. Being home alone is one of them. As I grew up, I think we started switching roles often. She thinks I'm the brave one, the smart one, the strong one. And so does the rest of my family.

You know, one day everyone will wake up and realize that I'm not as strong as they thought I was. Or, more correctly, as they expect me to be.

'I have to be' seems to be the ruling sentence in my life.

I haven't been strong this year. I've experienced incredible happiness with my friends, and incredible depths of sorrow when I walk to my class alone. I don't like being this way. I miss being me, the one with perfect balanced and normal feelings, not the temperamental waaay-up-and-then-waaay-down kind. I miss having a clear head and a faster, smarter brain. I know I used to be smart. Used to be. I tell myself that I used to be smart, because not everyone gets into the San Diego Gifted and Talented with a 99.9% when they were five. But I know I've lost it somewhere, because I don't have that quick and nimble feeling in my head anymore.

I miss being strong. Now I'm wondering if I was ever strong in the first place. I was always shy and I admit, quick to tears. Even now. I cannot control my damn hyper-reactive tear glands. The tiniest hint of emotion-- happiness, anger, sorrow, anything-- and there are tears streaming down my face. I hate it. Nikki, if you've ever wondered why I don't emote very well, there's your answer.

In fact, I think the only reason I have ever been 'strong' is 1) because I had to, and 2) because everyone told me I was a strong girl.

Finally, what is strength? Why is so coveted? Why am I whimpering here about trying to be strong? I don't know. Is strength the ability to keep all your emotions down and have a clear head? Not to panic in certain situations? Face threat after threat without a blink? Be there for others? What and why and how?

I don't know, and despite feeling very weak right now, I don't care. All I know is that I have to be-- if not for myself, for my family and my friends.

And if you ask me, that really sucks.

Last link in the chain: Ank, this note is for you. You're probably thinking about what I said about tenth grade. Well here it is, out in the open, something I never told anyone. So I want to say-- thanks. Thanks for keeping me afloat with your laughter sessions in the last term. I wouldn't have made it through those last months without you, and it does not embarass me to state my dependence on you at the time. Love you to death, my 'shka-bear =P

And thanks to everyone else for putting up with my incredibly sappy post this time =P