Turbulent Peace

It's funny how things can be so hectic, so variable, so way-up-and-then-way-down, and yet so peaceful, so established. I was going to say 'It's just like how the average of the sine function turns out to be zero anyways,' but er... I'll just leave it at that.

(Oh, but it's only zero between numbers with a difference of even multiples of pi.)

One day I'm laying on a float in the pool by the sea in Goa, reflecting on things, trying to find ways to motivate myself and protect my eyes from the white sky at the same time. The next moment I'm reading, cramming, studying aimlessly; then writing exams, feeling incredibly stupid after that, feeling even lower when I go to school, and then hitting rock bottom when I get my score. And after that I study. Again.

Then right after that I'm with my family or my friends and laughing, or by my window alone, or simply looking at the sky and everything's so peaceful and right.

Even in between the hectic exams-- literally in between-- I find peace sitting with Nikki and Kaiser on some stone steps under the trees of St. Patrick's High School, saying nothing, doing nothing, eating something. =P
Mostly, I sat there thinking that soon we'll each go different ways, and never be able to spend time like this again, and that it was almost worth writing the stupid exam just to sit there like that.

Life is so beautiful, don't you think?

I feel good these days. Mostly because I don't feel so aimless and lost as I felt in Faraday. I mean, I'm here, this is my thing -- Science. I've always been a science kinda girl, I knew it was for me since like, first grade. I've always loved it, along with other subjects, but the whole math and the sciences was definitely where I was headed. Somehow the whole meaning of me taking up Math, Physics and Chemistry got lost after I came to Fiitjee. It was all about the stupid exams, and I think I forgot how much I loved to learn when I was a kid. It suddenly hit me this year-- this is what I love, and I like learning new things; I want to know and do and grow up to be someone with a lot of knowledge. I don't want to be limited to making a small world of clothes and shoes and social circles around me; I've always, always been trying to push the boundaries further. Why stop now? A lot more things in class feel so much better after that. I feel like listening, being interested, and thinking; and the burden feels lighter.

Only problem is, none of this will ever get me into a good college, thanks to our excellent education system. I'll still have to slog and think in an exam oriented way to get through, unless it's IITJEE. And we all know how much of a chance I have there. I'm good, not good enough, not the best. So maybe it isn't meant for me to be there, and that's okay. Honestly, I'm more focused on having a career than getting into a particular college. I know it's an amazing place to be, and I do want to study there, and I'll try my best to get through, but if there's someone better who deserves to be there and might benefit from it more than me, they should be there instead, right? It's only fair. All I want is a good subject I'm interested in and can make a career out of. After that, I'll see where it takes me. An MBA? A Ph.D? A career? It all depends on what I learn in college.

Lots of feel-good factor in me throughout the ups and downs of the exams and other depressing news, deadlines, and other daily crap. It's not gonna matter to me next year about how I felt yesterday; so I'll try my best to keep my head straight and get through this year.

Nikki, Kaiser-- I love you guys. Just sitting under a tree with you two makes the world tilt on its axis at the right angle, and there's peace. No matter how turbulent the seas are.

Last link in the chain: We went out to sea in Goa recently-- dolphin sighting. It was so cool! =D
/Oh, how I love the sand, the sea, the sun./