Brief Thoughts About Anger

Okay, so looking at my last few posts, I thought I'd dig out an old draft and get back to more meaningful, helpful writing. I've always wondered about the irrationality that is anger; I just don't get it. I'm not saying I'm this super-human being who has risen above anger and now look down upon it; I mean to say that I don't understand the ...mechanics of the whole thing. Writing it out, of course, helps me get a better feel of things, so I'm just going to keep writing in fast, incomplete circles till I reach a conclusion in my head.


I suppose a valid place to start would be 'why'. Nah, I don't feel like it yet, so I'll start with 'what'. =P (Dear toddler-like audience,) what is anger? Is it just the sudden surge of heat to your head or the need to lash out, to ... hmm. Then I would be right in assuming that are different types of anger. The problem is, when we just answer heatedly, or try push someone away-- and I do mean physically-- does that count as anger? Maybe we need a broader definition for anger. If every change in expression -- facial and verbal -- implies an emotion, then anger would be the sudden urge to hurt or cause suffering, mentally or physically. Ha. Classic human trait everyone tries to suppress. Why? Perhaps peaceful co-existence is impossible with everyone wishing to harm everyone else. But I'm running away on a tangent again.


So, I get that part. Why does the need to hurt and maim exist? Because (and this is just plain musing, as is the rest-- nothing concrete yet) each human holds themselves in greater esteem than their peers, and does not wish to suffer alone. If they feel pain, especially because of the actions of another person, that person should logically (what twisted logic!) feel the same. Because there is no better teacher than pain, which might prevent that person from ever causing anyone to feel anything of the sort. So there might be a spark of humanity in the whole thing. But it doesn't fit, and I think this useless theory may be discarded with ease. Humanity and anger in the same sentence? *snorts*


Therefore there must be some sort of selfishness in anger. Maybe this emotion is displayed as a 'Don't Mess with Me' sign. Otherwise, it has to be related to revenge. Which, once again, leads us back to the whole need-to-hurt-others thing.

The problem with anger is that it can't be thought out. It rises like a hissing snake and strikes all of a sudden, and is over before we know it. Or you can be mad at a person for a very long time... but by that time, I think, it's less of anger and more of nursing a grudge and hatred. So either way, anger is displayed for too small a time period to study. *randomly remembers force-time graph to describe impulse*

So maybe I should try to study a few cases of anger. Let's see... the last time I really lost my temper was... when I yelled at Cavalier to get out of sight and out my life? Nah. I wasn't really that angry, but I decided to take advantage of the opportunity to boot The Lady of Shalott and him out of the scene. Then there was that random 3-sentence outburst in tenth grade.. Yeah. That was definitely shaking anger. And terribly irrational.

The scene still plays like a movie in my head. We had a free period-- it was almost the end of the school year-- and a couple of old IX B students were trying to play a couple of games to recreate the happiness and all that crap in X B. I obviously joined in-- the entire corner of desks, which included all my friends this year, were playing, after all.

X D and X A had free periods as well. I knew because I saw a couple of their students walking around the corridor. So when Shagun walked by and waved through the tiny window in the door, I waved back and turned back to the game (we were playing Message, and it was necessary to pay attention). She came back after a couple of minutes and asked me to come out, but I couldn't yank my hands out of the game and run to her, so I motioned to her that I was playing a game.

When I finally did come out to meet her and possibly roam the corridor with the kind of joblessness that I have forgotten, she was pretty.. mad. She was raving, actually. Usually I let most of the things she says fly over my head-- I learnt that paying attention to some of the hurtful stuff was a bad idea. Till date, I think she's still the person who can hit me the hardest.

Anyways, I remember she yelled at me while I walked with her. It was the usual scene, and I just didn't say anything, as always, until she whipped out a sword and slid it right into my forehead. She said something about me being too busy with my popular friends to care about her, and that I was laughing and playing with them like a wannabe, and I shouldn't get all excited because the guys were talking to me, considering I wasn't that good-looking and all.

EXCUSE ME, WHAT??

I stopped walking, and for some odd reason, I remember the exact location even now. It was like a shot of absolute heat to my head. I lost it, albeit awkwardly-- I think I hissed 3 garbled sentences out, I don't even remember what they were, and then stomped off to class, closed the door behind me, went back to my place, seethed, had some water, and rejoined the game after a while. (Sometimes I really think I'm so pathetic, I can't even yell at someone properly).

I should have known it was just one of Shagun's many random stupid statements, and I should have handled it just like I always do-- IGNORE. I should have known that she would have forgotten about it herself by the next day, and that she was probably just throwing some kind of jealous fit-- god knows why-- and I felt incredibly stupid about my outburst. I also felt pretty annoyed about losing my temper-- I hadn't done so in three or four years.

But none of this even mattered for that one moment. I couldn't even think straight. Since then, I've been thinking and thinking about anger, but I've never come up with anything.

A little voice in my head still tells me that I did the right thing, because Shagun-- she was shocked, let me tell you-- came back by the end of the day with an apology and several exclamations about how she never knew I could be angry (the appropriate response to this would have been 'WTF?!', but I was just too blank to register anything). I didn't feel happy, and I didn't feel sad. I just said, 'It's okay,' and that was the end of that.

It was a horrible lie. It was NOT okay. I couldn't care less about the last 2 sentences, but the first really made me feel like uprooting a pillar (don't ask. I don't know -_-). Firstly, popular wha? Like I had ever cared about something as inane and ... I don't know, but it went against everything I had ever done for her at school, everything I had believed in at the time. I would never, ever... -I was so mad, and I still feel so strongly about anyone having such a terrible opinion of me. (Why does everyone try to read some kind of dark motive to whatever I do anyways?? More about that in another post, I suppose.)

What the hell had I done anyway? Shagun didn't know anything about me in my class. Did she really think I was going to die of happiness because I was talking to a couple of guys? Did she even know that those guys had been my friends for a year? Jeez. I'm not that desperate, or stupid. I may not be pretty, but you know, that's not the only way to make friends with people.

Maybe I still haven't put the incident completely behind me, but I still remember that sharp, swift anger that swooped down on me that day, and I still don't understand it.

Now I'm rereading whatever I've written above, and I still haven't gotten closer to any kind of conclusion.

So the need-to-hurt theory is partially out of the window. There's still something in that point I'm not ready to give up.

Therefore, anger has something to do with something that causes the person.. great discomfort? Irritation?

Or maybe it's something to do with change. More like... equilibrium. Push a person out of their comfort zone, make them feel something.. negative, and observe a reaction. Different people, different emotional range, different reactions, different breaking points.

Anger is a reaction, that's for sure. A reaction to what? And why does it absolutely rob the mind of rational thinking power?

Maybe all emotions do. But anger the most of all, except perhaps fear.. or hatred... or whatever.

A reaction to being hurt, or watching someone being hurt, or a sense of injustice, or being ... no, finding it difficult to coexist with a person! For whatever reason. And then, perhaps, we try to express our displeasure... aw damn, I lost that thought stream... Oh yeah, and try to remove the person from our existence by pushing them away.

Finally, an okay-ish conclusion. Second round, begins!

I suppose we could go in deeper and wonder why emotion control the human mind so. Ah, humans. They're such a weird species, so interesting to study XD

I think emotion is probably the first sign of intelligent life, as ironic as that may sound. Are plants intelligent? I don't really think so (and no, I'm not talking about their tropisms and other amazing things they do)-- plants just ...live. No purpose. Animals, at least have some purpose in the things they do. Hunt/eat to live. Run from danger. Mate to propagate the species. Strike to kill. The thought processes get more linked and unfortunately more complex as we come to humans. Too many motives, too many people in the world.

When my dog Oreo is mad, he definitely shows us he is by some kind of action. I don't think he thinks about consequences. Why do humans care about consequences again? Oh, right-- in society we've been thought to control impulses and live as peacefully as possible by holding off more violent thoughts. Therefore anger is termed a negative emotion. What if it's not? Everything is relative, anyways...

So that means, currently, and perhaps for millenia to come, anger will be perceived as a negative emotion as it disrupts co-existence with other people. Because anger is the expression of a desire to cut ties and quit co-existing with a certain person. And also because anger makes us do and say things that we would rather not, because we must live with that person and anger will get us nowhere.

Gosh, what a garbled up conclusion. However, I'm going to leave this entire post unedited and raw; I'd like to come back many years later and see how my thoughts flowed.

Last link in the chain: My poem, Anger.


When you strike


My blood boils


My eyes burn


And like a hooded cobra


Ready to strike


My shoulders tense


There is firmness in my step


And my mouth is


A stubborn gash on my face


My forehead is knotted and furious


My hands are clenched fists


My self-restraint has faded


Into oblivion, as has my fear


Of consequence and emotional upheaval


I become giddy and reckless, and


I would do anything for revenge


And as my conscience restrains me


And talks me into calm


I fight back blindly, then


Let peace wash over me, fatigued,


Like a helpless leaf fighting,


Then giving in to a storm


And blowing away


Leaving everything behind.


And when you leave


All that remains, is


A mass of self-pity and tears.