Coming off a high induced by excessive assignments. At this point, I'm just longing to go back to Klaus for no reason whatsoever, set up camp again, and chill there the whole night. Oh, the bonds formed during times of crisis. It feels like I was more alive and more connected than ever during the assignments - and now I'm lost and alone at home. 'Tis strange. I've cooked and cleaned excessively, called up everyone I need to, and now sit with music filling the house. (Ooh, I type so much faster these days. At least when it's subconscious typing.)
I renewed the lease on my apartment and celebrated by putting up photos of friends and family. It's so strange that I have so many friends. Before FIITJEE, I was somewhat of a loner, a few friends - never had the high school clique. The girl gangs came later, and somehow I've found myself loved and full of love for my girls, in FIITJEE and college. College was... an amazing place. Again, I do not know how so many people became so important to me - that I keep in touch with, and share with - and how long will these bonds last?
I don't really have the same, here, at Georgia Tech. And with only one more semester to go, friendship is more fluid, fickle, almost effervescent. This semester has been better in terms of finding friends, I guess. We shall see. I am ever grateful that Kaiser is here. There's always some apprehension about meeting old friends after a really long time - people change, and college especially wraps you up and spits out something new - but with Kaiser it has been amazing, and I am joyful and surprised that I like him even more than before college. We spend our days reminiscing and being downright hilarious.
I miss my brother a lot. It's so hard to keep in touch with him, and to maintain some sort of similar context - our age difference is too much, and I feel like I'm that typical older sibling who ran off to college leaving him alone at home. Sucks. I can't wait for him to visit in a month, when his exams are done.
The marriage topic keeps coming up more frequently of late. I'm not sure what I feel about it. Emotions in the past semester have ranged from being greatly upset, waging long arguments, losing the will to fight, being filled with inspiration and excitement from my schoolwork. Oh, I cannot tell you how good it feels to be me again, to feel passionate and curious and optimistic again. I thought I had lost that part of me for good. The joy of learning that had driven me so far had completely dissipated at some point, and college too, though interesting, had a sort of calculated approach towards academics and courses. Here, though, I am free, and I am throwing myself into anything I like. Here, I will make myself, and here, I will reach for anything I want to, without holding myself back like I have many a time.
Kenny has been a great support through a tumultuous year, often playing cheerleader and mentor, and then therapist to me - really going above and beyond to help me out. And I have been a particularly difficult person this year - unpleasant, really - and I'm not sure how to undo all the bitterness that has crept into me. Nikki and I have been through strain, and I am recovering. All this time I have given people relationship advice, I failed to see it would apply to what me and Nikki had - evidently it was right up there with romantic relationships, this friendship of ours - and I'd assumed we were immune to those kind of problems.
I am going to miss my roommate dearly when she graduates. She's given me, nay, pushed me towards things I wanted but was too scared to reach out for. Every time I think of how I'm a bit of a coward, I always remember how it took me a sharp-kick-in-the-ass speech from my mom to change my ways and start trying new things in Montessori school. Am I still there? Evidently. Still afraid to try new things. I think I'm afraid of failure? "What's the big deal, fail a couple of times", is what Kenny said to me. And it makes sense. I've always been, protective of myself. I treat myself gently, afraid I'll break if I put myself through destabilizing situations. Aditi told me - as if following up with what Kenny said - that I'd deal with failure more than a couple of times and feel immune, and I should put myself through this.
I've never been too insecure, but I am, here and now. I keep winging it and complain about the gaps in my knowledge I need to fill - one time too many, I think. It's time to start doing. Then, why, why, do I still lack the kind of focus I used to have? How do I bring this back?
And in between all of these questions, why must I think of what I'm supposed to be asking a future spouse? The knowledge shakes me and I beg my parents not to put me through it every time more news comes in. It completely sends me into panic and swirling thoughts. I want to be immune and focus, but this one topic really, really, messes with my head. I keep laughing it off so I can remain in denial - because I truly cannot deal with it at the moment. It would, simply put, absolutely kill my current "in the zone" feels. And no one will relate, no one will understand what I feel. Friends from college poke fun, perhaps; Nikki will freak out more than I do, Kenny will ask me to fight back. There are days I feel like a heavy weight sits on my ribcage. (No wonder all my hair is falling out).
What are my thoughts on marriage? I've never opposed it. I've been a lonely kid most of my life, and to me it sounded like moving in with your best friend, someone who would not leave you. Comfort and ease, familiarity and routine. But I'm so scared. I always thought I was someone who could get along with most people - especially men - but suddenly I have wants and desires, and a more independent notion of how I want to live my life, and with what kind of person. I'd always been optimistic my parents knew what I wanted and lived with that confidence, but now I find myself fighting the smallest decisions they make, fighting to keep them grounded, fighting for who I've become and what I want.
And there is that promise I made to someone I knew, someone who cared. And though I said the words lightly at the time, they've bound me more than I could have imagined. I won't give up, and I won't settle. But how far, how far will I be able to run?
Even so, I remain optimistic. Mostly because, I've met some wonderful men in my lifetime, and I really think I can meet another one.
Although 'tis a pity I must think of these things now. Sigh.
CELEBRATE THE JOY AND LOVE FOR THE COURSEWORK WOOOHOOOOOO
Last link in the chain: Lana Del Rey is bae as ever.
I renewed the lease on my apartment and celebrated by putting up photos of friends and family. It's so strange that I have so many friends. Before FIITJEE, I was somewhat of a loner, a few friends - never had the high school clique. The girl gangs came later, and somehow I've found myself loved and full of love for my girls, in FIITJEE and college. College was... an amazing place. Again, I do not know how so many people became so important to me - that I keep in touch with, and share with - and how long will these bonds last?
I don't really have the same, here, at Georgia Tech. And with only one more semester to go, friendship is more fluid, fickle, almost effervescent. This semester has been better in terms of finding friends, I guess. We shall see. I am ever grateful that Kaiser is here. There's always some apprehension about meeting old friends after a really long time - people change, and college especially wraps you up and spits out something new - but with Kaiser it has been amazing, and I am joyful and surprised that I like him even more than before college. We spend our days reminiscing and being downright hilarious.
I miss my brother a lot. It's so hard to keep in touch with him, and to maintain some sort of similar context - our age difference is too much, and I feel like I'm that typical older sibling who ran off to college leaving him alone at home. Sucks. I can't wait for him to visit in a month, when his exams are done.
The marriage topic keeps coming up more frequently of late. I'm not sure what I feel about it. Emotions in the past semester have ranged from being greatly upset, waging long arguments, losing the will to fight, being filled with inspiration and excitement from my schoolwork. Oh, I cannot tell you how good it feels to be me again, to feel passionate and curious and optimistic again. I thought I had lost that part of me for good. The joy of learning that had driven me so far had completely dissipated at some point, and college too, though interesting, had a sort of calculated approach towards academics and courses. Here, though, I am free, and I am throwing myself into anything I like. Here, I will make myself, and here, I will reach for anything I want to, without holding myself back like I have many a time.
Kenny has been a great support through a tumultuous year, often playing cheerleader and mentor, and then therapist to me - really going above and beyond to help me out. And I have been a particularly difficult person this year - unpleasant, really - and I'm not sure how to undo all the bitterness that has crept into me. Nikki and I have been through strain, and I am recovering. All this time I have given people relationship advice, I failed to see it would apply to what me and Nikki had - evidently it was right up there with romantic relationships, this friendship of ours - and I'd assumed we were immune to those kind of problems.
I am going to miss my roommate dearly when she graduates. She's given me, nay, pushed me towards things I wanted but was too scared to reach out for. Every time I think of how I'm a bit of a coward, I always remember how it took me a sharp-kick-in-the-ass speech from my mom to change my ways and start trying new things in Montessori school. Am I still there? Evidently. Still afraid to try new things. I think I'm afraid of failure? "What's the big deal, fail a couple of times", is what Kenny said to me. And it makes sense. I've always been, protective of myself. I treat myself gently, afraid I'll break if I put myself through destabilizing situations. Aditi told me - as if following up with what Kenny said - that I'd deal with failure more than a couple of times and feel immune, and I should put myself through this.
I've never been too insecure, but I am, here and now. I keep winging it and complain about the gaps in my knowledge I need to fill - one time too many, I think. It's time to start doing. Then, why, why, do I still lack the kind of focus I used to have? How do I bring this back?
And in between all of these questions, why must I think of what I'm supposed to be asking a future spouse? The knowledge shakes me and I beg my parents not to put me through it every time more news comes in. It completely sends me into panic and swirling thoughts. I want to be immune and focus, but this one topic really, really, messes with my head. I keep laughing it off so I can remain in denial - because I truly cannot deal with it at the moment. It would, simply put, absolutely kill my current "in the zone" feels. And no one will relate, no one will understand what I feel. Friends from college poke fun, perhaps; Nikki will freak out more than I do, Kenny will ask me to fight back. There are days I feel like a heavy weight sits on my ribcage. (No wonder all my hair is falling out).
What are my thoughts on marriage? I've never opposed it. I've been a lonely kid most of my life, and to me it sounded like moving in with your best friend, someone who would not leave you. Comfort and ease, familiarity and routine. But I'm so scared. I always thought I was someone who could get along with most people - especially men - but suddenly I have wants and desires, and a more independent notion of how I want to live my life, and with what kind of person. I'd always been optimistic my parents knew what I wanted and lived with that confidence, but now I find myself fighting the smallest decisions they make, fighting to keep them grounded, fighting for who I've become and what I want.
And there is that promise I made to someone I knew, someone who cared. And though I said the words lightly at the time, they've bound me more than I could have imagined. I won't give up, and I won't settle. But how far, how far will I be able to run?
Even so, I remain optimistic. Mostly because, I've met some wonderful men in my lifetime, and I really think I can meet another one.
Although 'tis a pity I must think of these things now. Sigh.
CELEBRATE THE JOY AND LOVE FOR THE COURSEWORK WOOOHOOOOOO
Last link in the chain: Lana Del Rey is bae as ever.
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