Education was supposed to be a means to an end. When did I get here, addicted to learning, to the means, that I refuse to look at the real world?
Have I been hiding and escaping? So accustomed to living with constant challenge and work - did I accidentally shape the meaning of my life around it? Wasn't this supposed to be about building for a future you wanted?
But the years ahead seem desolate and dreary. I'd long realized that we weren't going to suddenly stop working hard and just - "enjoy life", they say - and it was more peaceful to find meaning in the struggle. But so many years, in the same sort of struggle - the kind that just intensifies -
Am I merely here because I'm running away from change? Something I supposedly embrace with quiet, amused sadness? Change in the sort of struggle?
Here there's something new everyday, a mad wild colorful set of experiences surrounding me, and I'd be giving it up for monotony
and a life, supposedly.
Is this how it's supposed to be? Have I lost track of what I wanted to do, what I could do, because I'm so focused on what I'm doing to get there?
What is this "life" anyways? The one I'm supposed to have gained through the toil? More enriching experiences, if I choose to fill my life with them, I could say.
And the standard set. The family life and kids - all this lies ahead. But I clutch at these student discount tickets and unhealthy habits and yet another night out, why?
What does "enjoy" even mean? The things I do now, the thrill and challenges and the sleeplessness, are they enjoyable? Will there be a point I don't want to do this anymore? Or the stable life, the freedom to pursue what I want to do, the completeness that a family would give you - are these enjoyment?
Most of all I worry I have lost perspective. What if I cannot function in a world without grades and tests and deadlines? Even if I do - after these many years of making them central to my life (so that "you have a good future") - how do I find meaning in what I do after this? Enough running, I say, and decide to face the world. Then I'm as lost as the day I was born.
Have I been hiding and escaping? So accustomed to living with constant challenge and work - did I accidentally shape the meaning of my life around it? Wasn't this supposed to be about building for a future you wanted?
But the years ahead seem desolate and dreary. I'd long realized that we weren't going to suddenly stop working hard and just - "enjoy life", they say - and it was more peaceful to find meaning in the struggle. But so many years, in the same sort of struggle - the kind that just intensifies -
Am I merely here because I'm running away from change? Something I supposedly embrace with quiet, amused sadness? Change in the sort of struggle?
Here there's something new everyday, a mad wild colorful set of experiences surrounding me, and I'd be giving it up for monotony
and a life, supposedly.
Is this how it's supposed to be? Have I lost track of what I wanted to do, what I could do, because I'm so focused on what I'm doing to get there?
What is this "life" anyways? The one I'm supposed to have gained through the toil? More enriching experiences, if I choose to fill my life with them, I could say.
And the standard set. The family life and kids - all this lies ahead. But I clutch at these student discount tickets and unhealthy habits and yet another night out, why?
What does "enjoy" even mean? The things I do now, the thrill and challenges and the sleeplessness, are they enjoyable? Will there be a point I don't want to do this anymore? Or the stable life, the freedom to pursue what I want to do, the completeness that a family would give you - are these enjoyment?
Most of all I worry I have lost perspective. What if I cannot function in a world without grades and tests and deadlines? Even if I do - after these many years of making them central to my life (so that "you have a good future") - how do I find meaning in what I do after this? Enough running, I say, and decide to face the world. Then I'm as lost as the day I was born.
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